Tuesday, April 28, 2009


To read PART 1 click here

In April of 2002 we brought home our precious baby girl, our gift from God. She was a wonderful baby; did not cry except when she was hungry, slept a lot and nursed well. She was what I had always wanted and had prayed for, so why was I so miserable?

Shortly after coming home I was nursing her one night and suddenly it was if I were a child again in my grandfather’s house – I was having a flashback of the abuse! It was so vivid and frightening – I cringed and my stomach began to hurt. Next time Isabella cried because she was hungry I wanted to cry too, I did not want to feed her. I began to have anxiety every time I had to nurse her and the flashbacks continued. It became something I dreaded.

We both ended up with thrush a few weeks after she was born and I decided to stop nursing at that time. It eased some of the anxiety, but the depression and fear had already set in. I was back on anti-depressants and the doctor also added sleep medication because of the anxiety keeping me from resting at night.

When my second child, Annais was born I was so fearful of that happening all over again I forbid the lactation consultant from coming in my hospital room and started taking my medication again the day he was born.

Midway through my pregnancy with number three, Kaira, the Lord began to show me how I was being robbed again. Nursing my children was His gift to me and the enemy had stolen it. It made me mad and grateful all at the same time. Mad that something so precious was taken from me and grateful that the Lord showed me His truth. He was working on me in this area, but I was still not ready to try nursing again when Kaira was born. During the pregnancy with her He healed me of lifelong depression (read about that here) and I was still celebrating that victory. I had peace knowing He was working.

Next post will be SOMETHING RESTORED, be sure to come back to read it.

John 10:10-11 (King James Version)
10The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.


Mari said...

As I was reading this, I was thinking how Satan took something wonderful and messed with it. Then I saw the verse you had included. I'll be back to hear about Restoration!

Mama D said...

I am amazed at the tapestry that God weaves. I wrote all of my blogs for the rest of the month last Saturday.
Yet they continue to run parallel with yours this week.
I think Papa is trying to tell His girls to crawl up into His lap and let Him love us.

TAMI said...

The Lord is SO GOOD to show us His freedom way - where "incidents" or fears or brokenness of the past are no longer given the opportunity to CONTINUE stealing from us!! He sees the "WHYs" of our life and, when we are capable of receiving Truth, helps us to see the paths as well. Why? To walk us into freedom, of course!!

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