As a little girl something was stolen from me. Sometime between the ages of five and seven my grandfather stole my innocence.
It was a Saturday afternoon, the best I can remember, and I was watching cartoons in the big yellow swivel chair in my grandfather’s living room. He came and sat next to me on the ottoman and began rubbing my back, but he did not stop there. He proceeded to work his hands around to other parts as well. That day my life changed forever. The abuse continued until I was twelve.
I had no idea this was not normal in a family and I had no idea why it felt so wrong. I was a shy and fearful little girl and that only enhanced that. It affected everything in my life although I did not know that at the time. This is a poem I wrote as a twenty something desperately seeking restoration, but not yet knowing the RESTORER:
A day does not go by that your memory does not haunt me
The abuse and the memories remain clear in my mind
Were you not the adult? Did you not know better?
I was young and naive and knew that it was wrong
How does a man get to a point where he feels his relatives are fair sexual game?
I, a child, so you and so innocent…in the beginning
You took it upon yourself to take that away from me
Was it me? Did I give you that right?
How could I have consented? I was a trusting child.
My family was not supposed to hurt me
I learned – from you – early on that I could not even trust my own family
I had to be strong, for no one must know
My little deep, dark, dirty secret…enveloping me with every thought
Day by day knowing I was alone
Such a huge burden for such a young child
I did everything I could to go on and forget
Go on and forget! What a joke!
Quite impossible to forget that my own flesh and blood raped me of any innocence that I may have had
Years have gone by, but the scars remain
I have spent a lot of time and effort to put the past behind
As I delve deeper the horror becomes more evident
The abuse was a crime YOU committed, yet I continue to pay the price
Somehow that does not seem fair
Fair or not I must deal with it
I must face your ghost when the man I love holds me close
I think of you when I must leave my body to allow someone to touch me
How long will the nightmare last? I do not know
I do know that I must continue my search and reclaim MY INNOCENCE LOST
As I continued that search I found God and He spoke truth into my life. I will continue with another post SOMETHING STOLEN, PART 2, SOMETHING RESTORED and then SOMETHING HEALED. The story DOES NOT end here.
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed. Psalm 104:4-6